wants and needs

You know, I remember once hearing my parents tell me that I needed to “go out of my comfort zone.” I needed to meet new people, try new things, and explore. While I’m not denying the wisdom in such a statement, I question the validity of revisiting those activities, those places, those experiences, after I’ve already decided that that’s not what I want to do.

I discovered, many moons ago, that I didn’t want to be a director.  I love to write films, I love to work on films, and I’ve truly enjoyed all the opportunities and people that I’ve been able to meet as I’ve explored life making films.  However, despite all of the curriculum of UVU trying to convert me, I have no desire to direct films.

Perhaps it’s something about the stigma that directors are where the filmmaking buck stops.  If the film is a success, the director is a genius.  If the film is a colossal failure, than again, it is the director’s fault.  Which, of course, is discounting the hundreds of people who’s names appear on the ending credits, displaying exactly what each was responsible for during the making of the film.  Instead, we hear things like “Ah, Spielberg must be losing his touch,” or “Nolan is a genius” or maybe “Bay just makes things blow up.”

And while it is true that directors determine much of the film, any good film will have many, many people working together to create it.  It’s a collaborative art, one that requires the skills and talents of several individuals.  But unfortunately, a lot of people who are near to the industry but not “in” it don’t seem to understand that.

When I tell people that I work as a grip, they have no idea what I’m talking about, and when I describe the job to them, they don’t seem very interested.  (Which may actually bare truth to how boring I describe the career, but I’m willfully ignorant concerning that.)  But whenever I would tell someone that I study film, invariably I would be asked if I was “gonna be the next Spielberg” or something like that.  While I used to just laugh and shrug, now I find myself a little annoyed.

I don’t want to be the next Spielberg, Bay, Nolan, Columbus, Lucas, or anyone else.  That’s not where my talent lies.  I love to work with story, my craft is the written word.  I enjoy acting, I enjoy getting down and getting my hands dirty in the trenches with the grips.  I love to create the art of a scene, such as the real-looking faux press badges for a scene, or the file full of incriminating evidence.  I would like to create a camera rig for a car, or figure out how to make a film-able car crash.  I like the details that make things up, and I notice when something relatively small is out of place.

But there are no classes for such thing.  There is no “Film Art Direction 101″ in my school.  Instead, this “film program” is simply the study of writing for several semesters, a little bit of gripping, a little bit of camera work, and then a bunch of directing.  I’m forced to direct films over and over, and I’m just so tired of it.  I don’t need to do it anymore to realize that that isn’t the place where I need to be.  I need to be behind the director, supporting him from out of the spotlight.  He can count on me to get it done for him, and I don’t need to worry about the logistics of dealing with talent, acting as a producer, getting catering, and whatever else on top of actually directing the film.

This rant may seem a little nonsensical.  After all, what aspiring filmmaker doesn’t want to be in the spotlight?  Honestly, not me.  For me, I try to pull people around me who can make up for my weaknesses, and I know that actually directing is one of those things.  So director, you tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll have it done for you before you’re ready for it.  But just don’t make me step out of that “comfort zone.”  Because honestly, I’m sick and tired of being there.

- Karratti