The Fields of Battle
Back in 2010, I became a founding member of the Talon Strike Force, a then FPS gaming clan built around the game MAG, which I’ve talked about several times (and continue to use as a base point for most online games in general). Just prior to this, I had been in a clan called Raven’s Eye, under the tag “EYE,” and had had some genuinely good times with them. What surprised me was when the leader, KrusaderX, decided that he’d had enough of it all and didn’t wish to lead the clan any longer, but instead of transferring leadership to another, decided to disband the clan completely in order to preserve the “name” of the clan.
At the time, I was quite annoyed, but at the same time I wasn’t all that worried. Though many of these people had been my friends and virtual brothers in arms, I’ve always had a knack for adaptability, and was sure that something would come along. As such, when RocketRob99 contacted me about forming another clan, I completely supported him, and so became the first “Talon,” though the name had not quite yet been decided on. Soon after, we were joined by another former EYE, DeathloksRevenge, and the three of us put together the Talon Strike Force, under the tag “TLN.”
A lot has happened over the years since then. For quite some time, I was very involved with the clan, and knew almost everyone in the game by name and voice. I could hand-pick a squad of players with whom I knew we could defeat anything in our path. And I think that that is what contributed most to my later problems. I started to get a little too cocky, a little too big-headed. My pride grew too much, and I began to see many in the clan as “beneath me,” which is just a terrible attitude to have.
Eventually this culminated in a split, as I foolishly followed my pride away from the clan, abandoning the team that I’d spent so much time building up. As the weeks passed, and the group that left the Talons eventually sputtered to a halt, I realized how stupid this all was. I realized how a clan is less about “skill,” and more about camaraderie. You play games with others because you enjoy their company, you can laugh and have a good time, and you know that, win or lose, you’ve got some pals to prop you up.
In those months between, as I got busy with “real-life” and other things, I realized that I had really screwed up. I’d betrayed the people who had looked up to me, and I’d left my friends behind in pursuit of some arbitrary “glory” that I’d come to realize was never there to be obtained in the first place.
I took the time to type out a letter of apology, mostly to Rob, describing my feelings as well as my personal regret. Though he was more than willing to let me back into the fold, I’ve come to realize that things have changed a little bit.
The saying “you can’t go home again” has a universal context. The fact is, once you leave a place behind, even returning to it never quite feels the same. Something is always just a little off. Friends have had experiences and relationships have changed while you were away. While they may still respect you for some things, in other ways you’ve become the visitor, and no longer one of the tenants. This happened to me when I left Talon, it happened to me when I moved up to Orem, and then when I moved back to St. George, and again now that I’ve moved to Salt Lake. Returning back to my old friends, my old haunts, and even my old high school… It never feels the same, and I don’t think it should.
Life is about progression. It’s about moving forward, no matter how slowly you have to go. You can look back fondly on the things behind you, (or look back with a tinge of regret), but the fact is that you’re here now. It’s now now, not then. You’ve got to take stock of who you are, what you’ve got, and what you can do with it. There’s no sense in constantly longing for those things that you can’t possibly get back, but instead you can spend your time forging new strides, and building new relationships.
As far as Talon is concerned, I’m slowly getting back into the mix. I picked up Battlefield 3 a couple of months back, and have slowly been building up my skills again, utilizing the thousands of hours that I’ve played over the years. I’ve been getting myself back involved with the clan again, and things have been going well.
Now, before you think that this is all a sad tale of loneliness and heartbreak, understand that it’s not. I’ve actually been legitimately busy over the past nine months, and the fact is, this summer is the first time that I’ve had some extra hours to actually play a few games for a legitimate amount of time. It’s an odd experience, almost from another era in my life, which is perhaps why these feelings of nostalgia seem so potent at the moment.
But the thing is, there’s life lessons to be learned in any endeavor. There’s things to take away from every situation that you find yourself in, and the fact is, no matter what social circles you navigate, you’re always going to run into the same dramas, the same highs and lows, dressed up with slightly different shades. If you can take the time to learn from each one, and use that knowledge to help better resolve problems in the future, well… That’s all anyone can really ask for, isn’t it?
Alright, that’s enough long-winded soapboxing for me. I’m off to Taco Bell, to have me a burrito.
Keep Calm and Ride On
When I was sixteen, I would have laughed in the face of anyone who said to me that I should just forego driving and ride my bike. I remember wanting to drive so badly, because having that license and having my keys and my four wheels represented the freedom to go anywhere that I wanted. I was fully on my own on the open road (Or, at least, I could drive myself to school and back).
Now, though, after finally having settled in to my new apartment, and figuring out where all the TRAX stops and bus stops are to take me where I need to go, I actually don’t feel much of a compulsion to drive anywhere. I’m more than happy to just let my car sit in the parking lot, only starting it up when I need to go pick up a piece of furniture, or when I need to go drive down south to visit people. (Which I should definitely do more often, but that’s the subject of a completely different post.)
The thing is, in a city with a decent public transportation system, having a car seems like even more than a hassle than a benefit. When I ride my bike, I feel better just cruising around, I slow down my pace a little, and I force myself to plan for the extra time, which lets me keep from getting stressed out, racing to make it to an appointment because “I can make it in fifteen minutes.”
Ever since I parked the car and hopped on the bike, things have just felt better, and it’s a difficult thing to describe. I’m less stressed out, and I even feel like I’m more productive because I have to legitimately plan out what I’m going to be doing every day. Plus, I get to see the city in a much more interesting way instead of blurring it all as I cruise by places at 40 MPH. If I want to stop in at a place that I think looks interesting, I do, and I don’t really have to look for a parking spot. Instead, I just lock my bike to a tree or something.
I guess what I’m saying is this – If you can figure out a way to park the car for a while, then do so. There may be a whole big interesting world just a couple of blocks away, that you’re completely missing because you’re not taking the time to look around and see what’s out there. I know that’s not for everyone, and a lot of people need to drive to get to where they’re going, or else their two-hour commute will turn into seven.
But if you can, I’d wholly recommend it.
Inflation and Deflation
I’d like to say that I’ve finally overcome the biggest hurdles, but my heart tells me otherwise. Instead, I find myself wondering if I’ve only just started the first couple of steps. And then, I go on to worry a little because these first couple of steps have been an absolute and complete pain in the ass. <grin>
About three weeks ago, I left St. George and headed up for Salt Lake City, hoping to get a head-start on looking for housing and work to support myself through grad school. As with any new opportunity, my thoughts were optimistic. I figured, “Hey, I’m a skilled and fairly smart guy. I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree with a 3.6 GPA, and I’ve got a wide range of skills. It shouldn’t be too hard to nail down a part-time job.”
And then I got here.
Apparently, there are no jobs at all in Salt Lake City. Or, (and this is a little more unnerving), maybe I’m just not qualified for them. You know, because I spent four years in school, I’ve become the well-rounded and studious adult that the system wanted me to be, but apparently that’s not enough time and effort to get a part-time job serving tables at Old Spaghetti Factory. I’m just not sure what the deal is. No matter where I look, it seems like the opportunities are just consistently out of reach, and I really am unsure of what’s going to happen over the next few weeks.
Is a Bachelor’s Degree just not enough anymore? Is it now so common that even food service is looking to get all picky about it? Am I going to need a Doctorate’s to work at McDonald’s in the coming years?
I just moved into a new apartment up in Salt Lake, and now I’m out of money and out of time, because school starts on the 22nd. Then I get to juggle a school workload with trying to find some kind of job, when I could have had something in the first place. Things are just looking dark, and it seems no matter where I look, there isn’t much light coming from anywhere.
Throughout my life, I’ve always been one to deny that things happen for a reason. At least in the past, things have always worked out in the end, and I guess I’ve just kind of learned to expect them to. I’m usually not one to panic (too much), because usually I’m able to find a way to make things work. Usually there’s some kind of path that I’m supposed to be on. But right now, it just feels like there’s not much. Frustration is intermingling with desperation, and the world is looking a little too grim for my taste.
The most frustrating part of it all, though, is that opportunities keep coming up yet they’re always just out of reach. I’ll get a call from a company, have a (to me) really good interview, they’re all smiles and assurances, and then I get no call. No job offer. Instead I just get to sit and wait. If these people aren’t going to hire me, then why don’t they just say so? Why don’t they just tell me? I can take rejection, but it’s the anticipation, the build up, the hope, and then the nosedive that really bothers me.
But, I guess I’ve ranted for long enough.
Tomorrow is Grad School Orientation, which means I’ll be spending the day at the U figuring out what this whole program is all about. I’m looking forward to a day of putting my pressing concerns on hold, and just hanging out a little. I hope that all this is worth it in the end, and that all of this will eventually lead me to a future of not chasing job leads every day.
I know that this is a little too much rambling, and a whole lot of “not-really-anything-constructive,” but I just needed a chance to blow out some steam. I left my heavy bag down south, so pounding away at a keyboard is about the only way I’ve got to get some stress out of my system.
Here’s hoping for a brighter tomorrow, and to pushing through your trials in the pursuit of your dreams.
- K
Respect IS Worth Fighting For
Let me say that my comments this week aren’t necessarily going to be ones that I haven’t already shared before. In fact, they are definitely ones that I’ve had before, but I find them important enough that I’d like to go over them again just because of a recent “occurrence” that’s kind of driven them home to me.
Sarcasm and teasing are part of any game. You taunt a little, you get into the other players’ heads, and you make them react to you differently than they would react to any other players. You make yourself a threat on the field, and suddenly you’ve got some control of the other team’s focus. Sometimes that’s by making yourself look more important on the field than anyone else, or sometimes it’s by just being in the way as often as possible. Mind games are a part of any competition.
I can take jibes and jabs, and I dish them out just as easily. But there is definitely a point where things get a little out of hand. Competition creates frustration that can easily spill into heated problems if you let them. And there is definitely a time when a loud-mouthed punk starts to grind on you.
Disrespect. It always comes down to disrespect. When you start to disrespect your opponent, that carries it too far for me. I’ll admit that I’ve often fallen on the wrong side of that coin. Winning tends to make you feel that you’re more superior, and even better than the people that you’re playing against.
But once you lose that sense of respect… Things all start going downhill.
I don’t tolerate disrespect. Not to me, not to my family, and not to my friends. It’s a moral standard that I’ve tried to hold up for as long as I can, and it’s one that even some of my closest friends have a hard time keeping track of. I never say anything to my friends in an effort to disrespect them. When it comes to those closest to me, I am fiercely loyal, some may even say “blindly” so.
But perfect strangers… I always try to remain respectful at the first. On a blank slate, I try to look for the positive outcome. I expect to respect, and to be respected. But that’s not always the case. Some people just have no respect for others, and it shines through only far too easily.
When a person disrespects me, that’s when the gloves come off. That’s when I get angry, and boy, people don’t like me much when I’m angry.
But I have to wonder to myself… Is that such a bad thing? To fight for respect, either for yourself or those you care about? Is that wrong?
Entire wars have been fought over respect. The war for America’s independence was fought, not just for freedom, but fought so that the world would respect our right to freedom. America was ridiculed, put down, until finally we got tired of it and fought back in a war that we had no right to win.
Sometimes, I think that getting angry about disrespect is the absolute correct response. Of course, violence doesn’t always solve everything, but I personally believe that there are some times when it is completely justified. Sometimes, a person just needs that one person to stand up to them and say “No.”
In a permissive world that we live in today, it’s rare to see people stand up to bullies outside of fiction. Why do we simply fall prey to the whims of those whose voices are the loudest, and whose whining is the most annoying?
I refuse. I refuse to be intimidated by stupidity, and I refuse to let jerks tell me what to do just because they think they deserve it.
If it comes down to a fight, so be it. That will work for me just fine. Because respect… That’s something that I think is worth fighting for.
It’s Good to Have a Little Elbow Room
One of the most difficult things to deal with when trying to get into any field, it seems, is people trying to get you to specialize. I’m not sure why, but most people expect you to be able to describe yourself with a single title. “I’m a doctor,” or “I’m a police officer,” or maybe “I’m a writer.”
But the thing of it is, most of us just aren’t that way, especially in arts and entertainment. Throughout my schooling and career, I was always asked what I wanted to be, or what I was going to school for. Most often, I would have to resort to describing my major, “Digital Media,” or maybe whatever happened to be the focus of my studies that semester, like “Film.”
This can be especially problematic when you start looking for jobs, and people are surprised that you’ve worked a wide swath of jobs. For me, I’ve worked as a film grip, a key grip, and an electritian. I’ve worked as a producer, a production assistant, and an art director. I’ve been a writer, a UPM, a graphic producer, and a retail salesman. I’ve worked in landscaping, food service, and as a roadie. All of these things apply to who I am and what I know how to do, and how I can approach a situation or problem, and it does me a serious discredit for someone to ask me “what I do,” and expect a simple, no-frills answer.
Over the past year, however, I’ve come to better understand what I want to do in my life. Gaming, to me, has always been a great passion of mine. I’ve sunk more time into video games than I have into anything except perhaps my writing, and that drive to experiences these interactive stories and situations finally just clicked for me. Getting accepted to Grad School to start my gaming career finally just solidified my course for me. I knew what I wanted to do.
What’s been more freeing for me, however, is that I finally am able to portray myself the way that I want to. When you’re working in film, people tend to want a certain kind of person for a certain kind of work. They want you to be focused on the job at hand, and your experiences outside of the scope of that job seem to be mostly disregarded, because you’re expected to be compartmentalized.
But now, my hobby and my career are starting to blend. I can be a gamer, and that’s finally a good thing. I can start to portray myself as having this passion, and it’s not only understood, it’s encouraged. Of course, there’s a healthy dose of work to go along with it all, but it’s just good to have a little elbow room. It’s nice to not be stuck in a compartment that wasn’t exactly of my own choosing.
And when people ask me what I want to be, then I can explain that I want to be a producer. But when I go to explain myself, I’m not above telling people that I’m a Gamer, Producer, Writer, Artist, and a Jack-of-All-Trades. I’m finally starting to realize that it’s not a bad thing to just be who I am, and let the chips fall where they may. No need to worry anymore what “the masses” think, because I’m going to find a group that wants me for who I am.
I’m ready to rebrand myself so my brand is more true to me, and I’m ready to show what I can be. Here’s hoping that the hard work is going to pay off.
- K
Indecisive
I look at my clock as it ticks over to 3:11 AM, yet still my mind is racing, unable to rest, unable to stop. The wheels are turning, spinning, twisting, and grinding, unable to complete their rotation without hitting a snag, and shredding my thoughts into pieces. I glare, wander, click and tap, unable to find a suitable direction at which to aim my furious consternation.
It’s as if my purpose refuses to remain steady, with the moorings that once held it in place in sudden disarray. My thoughts taunt me, goading me into action, and yet giving me no path to walk. I am before the Cheshire Cat, with the self-same reasoning as Alice in her Wonderland. I know there is somewhere that I need to go, but I am very unsure of where it is, and how to get there. So, I doom myself to begin walking in some direction, realizing as I take my ninth step that it is, in fact, the wrong direction.
Is this a common occurrence? Does every man sail through the same seas of confusion? Or am I alone on the ocean, adrift with no compass, with no wind and no motor?
If only there was a method of determining my course. Even a path that might eventually detail my desires in such a way as to make them known to me. Such would save me an eternity of grief at having chosen the wrong course. Because to me, there isn’t much worse in my own life than setting down a path toward a goal and realizing five years down the road that that goal was actually not fit for me.
I suppose that each of us is on some path to happiness. We may call it by other names, be it wealth, status, or stability, but in the grand scheme of things each of us is searching for that something that we can be contented by. So many people seem to have a passion for their goals, a fire that burns within them, driving them to achieve the grand heights that they have undertaken to accomplish. Nothing, it seems, can stop them. They are the climbers of their individual Everests, and they refuse to be dissuaded by simple trivialities or obstacles.
I once had a driving force within me. I was determined to complete my schooling, and so I pushed myself as hard as I could until that job was complete.
Yet now, as I am in possession of the fruit of my labors, I find myself in an odd predicament. Instead of being ecstatic, I feel lost, unable to determine for myself the course that my life should take. I have been exhorted to chart my own course, to reach out and grasp my future, but despite the bumper sticker catchphrases, I remain unfulfilled.
Could it be that life has simply lost interest in me? Was my purpose simply to come to this point and then fade into obscurity? Or is there something else that I am meant to accomplish?
Answers… I don’t write searching for answers, necessarily, but one or two would be nice. I’m not looking for everything, only a direction. If my destination is not to be determined for quite some time, so be it. But were I to have a path, a sure path that agrees with my personality, then I could begin my journey anew.
Until then, I’m afraid, my wheels are continually turning, spinning, twisting, and griding, unable to complete their rotation. My motor is, in fact, running, it simply is providing no power to move me along.
Instead, I am looking for a destination.
- BK
Pipe Dreams
While I often have my own way of looking at the world, I don’t think that many other people share my vision. You see, I don’t really understand the phrase, “That’s just how it is,” or even it’s cousin, “It’s always been done that way.” For me, the world is a candy store of opportunity, and I have just as much right to the best chocolates as anyone else around.
However, I’ve recently had to start coming to grips with the fact that maybe I’m looking at things from the wrong perspective. Take a look at this comic. While the ending is all about the punchline, it kind of got me thinking about what a dreamer I am. I still believe, in my heart of hearts, that my dreams really can come true. I’m not content to leave myself in the confining realms of possibility, when impossibility seems like it’s so much more fun.
Why can’t I learn something new? Why couldn’t I become an overnight rock star, or a film-directing sensation? Why couldn’t I invent some widget worth a million bazillion dollars? Who’s to say that I won’t someday be famous world-wide? While not every possibility is likely, I personally believe that so many things are within my reach, and there really is nothing to stop me.
But then again, I take a step back, and I realize that there’s only really one thing stopping me. It’s all about hard work. While there are plenty of sources to tell you that the world is your oyster, it fails to mention that you’ve also got to figure out how to fish that thing out of the ocean. It seems like there’s always some star that appears out of nowhere to become an overnight sensation, but it quickly becomes apparent that those people are often a flash-in-the-pan, one time deal, and they quickly fade into oblivion.
I’m no expert, but I believe that hard work is the key to lasting success, and perhaps that’s a bit of advice that I should continually strive to understand. The world isn’t going to just hand you everything on a silver platter, often you’ll be holding up numerous platters to others along the way. But someday, when you’ve earned it, that platter just may be extended to you, and you’ll finally be able to see what was hiding underneath it all that time.
- BK
Perspective
Well, the site may look a little different, but that’s just because it is. I’ve decided that I needed to bring this thing in line with the portfolio idea that I’ve been planning to create for months, and so I just started working on it. The past couple of weeks have let me figure out at least some of what I want to do.
Interestingly enough, I think the most profound thing about looking through some of my previous projects is the strange diversity between them. I’ve done a lot of different things for a lot of different people, and it’s strange the stories that arose from each and every experience. It’s not so much the end result, I guess, but more the ride that sticks with you – Or at least that’s what I’m coming to understand.
I’ve had the privilege to work with a lot of really amazing, wonderful people over the past few years. I’ve met some great friends, had plenty of excellent experiences, both great and not-so-great. I look back through my memories and really just have to smile at all the crazy adventures. Life really tosses some curveballs at you, I guess. It’s just about knowing how to swing. (Man, I’m sounding really metaphorical today.)
I don’t really have anything huge or mind-blowing to share today. I just wanted to note down that the site may look a little different, but that I’m still the same old me, just writing my stuff as I see it. Expect to hear more from me soon.
- BK
block breaking
Though I keep checking back in on my blog almost daily, I seem to have the hardest time actually putting things up right now. I look back at old posts, and I learn a lot about my own tendencies and personalities. I realize that I’m critical, but hopeful. I’m brash, but curious. I’m service-oriented, but very self-righteous. And despite all the good in the world, I often seem to drive straight for the bad, and describe it in vivid detail so there can be no mistake of what my negative feelings are towards something.
It’s a conundrum that has been bothering me lately, and I think that it’s linked to my difficulty to write. Though I want to put down a post, each thing that I think of seems so negative, or not professional enough, or not exactly coherent. And then if I try to write, I start putting doubts into my own head, and I feel like no one’s really reading what I’m saying.
“And why should they?” I ask myself. ”It’s not like you’re putting up anything of real substance.”
Then I pause. I think. What is it that people want to read, then? Why do they come here?
But in that haze of trying to think of something crowd-pleasing to write here, I’ve finally realized my real problem. The true reason for my strange and indescribable writer’s block that seems to limit my very ability to put a viable statement into words.
I’ve started worrying about what “they” think.
Long ago, I stopped worrying what “they” think, and it’s a defining trait that I’d taken to heart. But the trials that I’ve been going through the past few weeks have started to eat at me. They’ve started to introduce doubts into my mind. Thoughts of weakness, or maybe depression. Feelings of self-pity, or general worthlessness.
But wallowing in the depths wasn’t going to help me.
And while the words may not be all bright colors and sparkley letters, they’re mine. I can say what I like, and this is my space. If you are here to read about my thoughts, then you’re bound to read, and if you want to stop, I don’t much care anymore.
So I’m going to start posting again, and I don’t care what anyone really thinks about what I decide to put here. It might be advice. It might be fiction. Perhaps a review. Or it might be stupid poetry. My decision, no one else’s.
Here we go.
back to business
This morning, I woke up to find my neighborhood covered in three inches of snow – in May. I then looked out in the backyard, and found that the big cherry tree behind my garage had mysteriously fallen over. I just stood there thinking… ”What happened last night?”
Looks like I’ve got to go find myself a chainsaw.
I’m taking this as a sign of change. Something needs to happen, and I can’t think of a less subtle way to quickly get my attention.
For the past week or so since graduation, I’ve just been job hunting. Everything’s been about trying to take the next step in life, and though I’ve applied for numerous positions, the prospects aren’t looking too bright. Honestly, for the “accomplishment” of spending four years trying to merit a school’s approval, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares too much.
In any case, things have gotten a little… Shall we say depressing? With not much to do, and not a lot of money, I’ve had some time to think about my life, and what my next steps are going to be. And steps require movement. They require effort. They require… say it with me… change!
I’m tired of sitting still. Nothing is going to come to me, so I’ve got to make myself come to it instead. There’s no easy answers, and there’s no easy favors. Everything’s got a price, and I think it’s about time for me to start paying up.
You can only stay in one place for so long. I mean, seriously, even the tree wanted to get going. And even if it lands me right on my face, at least that first step is going to be epic. Gotta get moving, and I’ve got to get doing.
So it’s back to business, for me.
Oh, and if anyone’s got a job that you’d like to shoot me towards, I’d be more than happy for the help.
a pot of gold
Questions and concerns are running rampant through my mind, the chief of which is simply, “Why in the world am I doing this?” Of course, it’s asked in a semi-serious tone, but the little part of my mind that still has a few shreds of sanity has to ask. I mean, what would compel someone to spend so much of their time in pursuit of something with no guaranteed reward?
Here I am, working on something that no one else is forcing me to, putting aside much of my free-time and social engagements, as well as numerous work opportunities, in order to make a dream become a reality. It’s truly chasing the rainbow, hoping against hope that there’s some mystical pot of gold when we finally get there. But that ending is still pretty far off. I’m still in the middle of the journey.
It’s all about chasing a dream. What is life if you don’t take the time to squeeze every last drop out of it? If you never take the chance to try to make your dreams come true, then you’re always going to wonder whether you could have. Me, I can’t live with that kind of regret constantly hanging over my head. I need to know. I need to give it a shot. I need to put myself on the line and show the world what I can do.
What I can’t understand, though, is why that seems so important to me. The world will keep spinning whether I try or not. The sun’s still going to come up tomorrow, and time won’t stand still just because I didn’t do anything. Instead, life will continue with or without me.
Then I remember – I am the only one of my kind. And I don’t mean species or race or family or any other relation. Instead, I’m the only me there is. I’m the only one who is able to tell the world what I have to say, and there’s no one else out there who’s going to say it for me. You either make history, or you become history. This is my only chance, these few years, to show myself, and then to show everyone else what I’m made of.
This weekend is a big step in a brand-new direction. Here’s just hoping that pot of gold is still waiting for me when I get there.
- K
a beautiful oblivion
Even as I sit here, typing on my keyboard, I realize that I should be getting to bed, not click-clacking away in front of the computer screen. But there’s just something compelling me right now. For some reason, I have this urge to write something out. It’s this need to be typing, to be creating. It’s as if the blank page here is an invitation that I just can’t ignore, and I must somehow fill it with something. I just can’t leave space white any longer.
This need is only compounded by the fact that I haven’t put anything up in a few weeks, even though I’ve checked the page several times, and often said out-loud to myself, “I should really put up a post.” It’s like my dust-gathering journal that I will often write in out of guilt, simply because I’d committed to myself to do it, wrote in it for a grand total of a couple days, and then placed it on the shelf with a number of other unfulfilled good intentions.
Another reason for this obtuse barrage of prose comes from the fact that I just finished a 12-hour day on a set that didn’t really need me. I mean, yeah, I did move a couple of things from here to there, but there was no challenge, there was no hustle, and there was no brainpower to my entire day. The most stimulation that I got out of today was the four cans of Dr. Pepper that I downed from craft services.
Honestly, standing around for 12-hours in the snow while having to move a shiny board a couple feet every half hour or so is anything but fulfilling, and I guess I just need some kind of outlet. While I’ve definitely worked some mind-numbing jobs in the past, I’ve never been on such a dull set before. It was just kind of absurd. And the problem is that I’m supposed to go to set again tomorrow, and I need to find some way to keep things interesting. Maybe I’ll bring a book or something, which is unbelievably taboo on most sets.
But geez, if they’re just having me do a free job for twelve hours that you could get any half-trained monkey to do, then I need something a little more interesting to dwell on.
And since I’m talking about life, why is it that my life seemed ready to pounce on me as soon as I got back from winter break? It was like everything was waiting for the moment that I returned to attack me all at once. I’ve got three shoots in the wings, my pilot jumping into production, my family needing help down south, on top of schoolwork that’s just starting up along with a broken heater that needs repairing and a mess of classes to go to that I would really rather just ignore.
Oh well. If I wasn’t able to juggle that kind of list on a daily basis, I just wouldn’t be me. My life is one that just demands constant organization, and I’ve just had to get used to that. So good to meet you, 2010. Welcome to my world. I’m going to kick your ass. Ha!
- K
learning to join the dance
There was a time in my life when I loved to dance. I actually enjoyed moving to the rhythm, going crazy, and not caring what anyone else thought. For me, it was one of the strangest phenomenon – The ability to act like a complete and utter nutcase, jumping, jiving, leaping and writhing to the music, regardless of skill or finesse. And to top it off, it was perfectly acceptable. It was all about having a good time, and I went to dances often, and often I would show myself to be quite the “dancing fool.”
That seemed to change a few years ago.
I like to think that I’ve started to “grow up”, but if I’m truly honest with myself, I know that that’s not the case. Instead, I believe that it has something to do with self-imposed shyness and fear in the wake of troubling times. I feel like, in the time that it’s taken me to get over certain relationship troubles in my past, I’ve shunned such activities, putting them to the side for fear of conjuring up old memories.
But even as I type that out, I can see the illogical stupidity of it. Why should I allow some old thoughts stop me from doing something that I used to enjoy? Why should someone else have the control over who I am, and what I do?
It’s a mental battle, one that I have with myself every time I see the opportunity to dance. It happened to me just the other night. Friends and others were up dancing around to some crazy music video, and there I was, just standing to the side. I couldn’t compel myself to get out on the dance floor, even though just about every other person in the room was out there.
I’ve got to make the effort, but I think I still need to gain the motivation. It’s not about doing it right, I guess, it’s just about doing it at all. I can’t just wait for the music to come to me, but instead, I need to forget the fact that I don’t know all the steps.
I just need to join the dance.
- K
a soul’s subtle rage
I’ve been having a weird sense lately that maybe I’m walking in the wrong direction. Not so much in that physical sense, but perhaps because there’s some things that I just can’t seem to get out of my mind. I feel like every step I take, I’m getting farther from where I’m meaning for myself to end up, and yet the whole experience is just so intangible that I don’t know how exactly to turn a 180°.
While I’m happy to be working on films regularly – The past three weekends have consisted of two paid jobs and a free favor, with another shoot scheduled for this weekend – I wonder if perhaps I should be more hesitant to give up my time so readily, especially in pursuits that aren’t necessarily going to do me any good. By which I mean, don’t really have a clear benefit to me, personally.
Even though movies are honestly a series of well-planned coincidences, I don’t think life works out quite that way. If it did, then I don’t think movies would be as popular as they are.
What’s been bothering me most lately, I guess, is the fact that I’ve been constantly working projects for other people who, while they absolutely appreciate my work, don’t seem all that interested in helping me further my own ambitions.
I work early-to-late long hours for people who have yet to show me the courtesy of giving me a copy of the finished project. I volunteer to help others, knowing that in doing so they aren’t going to be appreciative of the time and effort that I’m sacrificing for them for little or no compensation. And while I harbor a deep hope that someday it’s going to come around and something good is going to happen, my rational mind continually reminds me that I’m making movies, not living them, and there really isn’t some bit of deux ex machina coming in the next hour or so.
I am compelled to help them because I know, in my heart, that I am the one for the job. I am the worker in the shadows, the one behind the scenes. When I’m at work, I’m not looking for the spotlight, I’m looking to make sure that my job is done right, done fast, and done efficiently. I’ll do the job so well that you won’t even know it was done, and perhaps that’s part of the problem.
It’s a thankless profession, one that so many people don’t even know about, let alone understand. I tell my friends that I’m going to be working on a set, and instead of interest or understanding, all I get is a sense of disappointment that I’m not fitting in with their vision of the world. My family seems to feel that I’m wasting my time, not getting on with my life, stuck instead inside some bachelor’s limbo. Other “experienced” voices continue to call out, informing me that my ambitions are too high, my skill level is too low, and that I might as well just give up now, because there’s no way that I’m going to succeed.
Well you know what? Screw them all. I’m sick and tired of being passive, being dogged on, being ridiculed, being told I’ll never make it. There’s a blazing inferno burning inside of me, and I couldn’t care less what people are thinking anymore. I couldn’t care less what I’m “Post To” be doing. I’m supposed to settle down. I’m supposed to get a steady job. I’m supposed to enjoy holidays in a specific way, know the names of certain bands and celebrities. I’m supposed to be home watching football or baseball or basketball every other night, memorizing stats and especially knowing the histories and tendencies of a favorite team in each league. I’m supposed to not worry about the technical sides of things, because those aren’t important.
I’m supposed to allow people into my home, offer them my hospitality, and be understanding when they verbally spit in my face and walk away.
Damn it, I’m so tired of doing what I’m “supposed to” be doing!
I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s things that I’m constantly allowing to slip, and I’m so sick and tired of it all. I’m tired of allowing myself to stop striving for the greatness that I know is within my reach. I’m tired of listening to failed people tell me that it’s not worth trying. And I’m tired of trying to fit myself into someone else’s paradigm of what my life should be.
So for those of you reading this, wondering what this means, here it is. I’m done with the charade. I’m done with pandering others, allowing them to pull me down. I’m tired of being told that I’m somehow stupid simply because I look at the world from a different point of view, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to put up with people telling me what I should be doing, when they themselves aren’t doing anything with their lives.
I’m not going to listen to the garbage that people seem fit to barrage me with, because it’s doing nothing to help me. I’m not going to concern myself with whatever standard that anyone else sees fit to apply to the way that I work, or the way that I live my life. I’m taking back the controls, it’s time for me to drive.
- Karratti
procrastination
Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? Because it needs to be done, and I’m such an idiot for not just doing it and getting it over with.
I seem to have a problem with not wanting to start something, especially something that I can’t readily finish in one setting. I put off script re-writes because I know I don’t have three hours to dedicate to it. I put off finishing graphic projects because I don’t have the idea solid in my mind yet, and I know I’ll just sit there staring at the screen for hours. I put off asking that girl I’ve been eyeing for months because I tell myself I just don’t have the time for it.
But let’s be perfectly honest here – There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for why I keep putting things off. I just believe that if I do it later, I’ll be able to avoid doing it, as if putting my head under the sand will truly make all the demands of life actually go away.
But life doesn’t really work like that. Life is a constantly moving bulldozer, never needing to refuel, never needing to stop for any reason, which will simply run you over if you don’t keep moving with it. And it really will run you over, especially if you keep on putting things off that you know you should get to. And there are a number of things that I know I should get to.
I need to stop pondering and start doing. Because if I don’t, then the years will continue to roll on, and I won’t accomplish anything. It’s about time to take control.
And I will.
You know, as soon as I get around to it. <grin>
- Karratti
the challenge of stress
This past week has been quite a trip for me – The result of a profound lack of sleep, an inordinate amount of work, and an unsurprising lack of time. Now that I sit here, on the cusp of yet another week of new adventures, I find myself at the low point of this roller coaster that metaphorically represents my life.
This past week I worked almost fifty hours at my job, all of it while I was at home, performing a one-minute menial task repeatedly 2,954 times. At the same time, I’ve got a script deadline for the pilot that I’m working on, (self-inflicted), that is coming up faster than I can anticipate. And in the middle of that, I produced my first college volleyball game broadcast, which was an unbelievable rush as soon as things got started, but which took up most of my daylight hours that weren’t already being filled with classes.
As I look back, happy that things are out of the way, but still a little annoyed that they took so long, I have a chance to appreciate what happened. Yes, I was on edge for most of my waking and non-waking hours for the better part of the week, but I made it through alright. The stress was good, and it forced me to do work that I’ve never done before, forced me to think on my feet, and gave me some definite new perspectives.
Succeeding has also given me a powerful rush of confidence that I don’t think I had in me the week before. I feel almost like I can conquer the world, that I can climb any mountain thrown in front of me. And perhaps that’s been a lot of my problem.
For so long, I’ve been allowing myself to just float, to take life a little at a time, and not worry about what time I should be getting up in the morning. But as I think about it, I really need to start moving. I need to force myself into the stress of a schedule so that I can get things done, not whenever I get to them, but on the deadlines that I set. I need to set goals for myself, and I need to start accomplishing them.
I believe that the challenge that stress can bring, or perhaps it’s the stress that challenge can bring, I believe that it is good for you. Sure, there are plenty of times when you believe that you just don’t have what it takes to finish it, but a way will come. Maybe it’s a friend that knows you could use the help. Maybe it’s an unexpected break that comes your way. But then again, maybe it’s just the willpower and vitality inside of you that finally screams “You can do this!” that forces you to push harder than you thought you could, and come out better than you ever knew you would.
And when you do, pat yourself on the back, smile and sigh with satisfaction. Then, get right back up and do it again.
- Karratti
who made the sky the limit?
I remember, early on in college, having counselors and professors ask me “What is your focus?” When I finally did decide that I wanted to pursue film, more questions started to come. Did I want to work in pre, production, or post? What do you want to do in film? Do you want to write? Run the camera? Set the lights? Do you want to act? Or maybe want to do art design? The props, the costuming? There were just so many different things to do when it came to “film” that it seemed almost impossible to actually sit down and make a decision unless I was informed on where each path may take me.
So I did some writing. I did some acting. I did some directing. I gripped a little, setting up lights. I did some art design. Each time that I tried something, I seemed to gain a knack for it with some thought, some study, and a lot of hard work and long hours. I’m not exactly a pro at everything – far from it. To be honest, if you were to put me on a set with real-world professionals, they’d probably dust me. But I like to think of myself as something of a jack of all trades, someone who can be thrown into most any environment with at least a moderate assurance that somehow things are going to work out alright.
So far, things have turned out well, one way or another. Despite any hardships, or struggles, or unexpected obstacles, somehow we work through them.
I’ve heard people tell me that I can’t be the best at everything, and though my rational mind may see the logic in it, I don’t like to dwell on that idea. Instead, I choose to believe that I can, in fact, be the best at everything, and aim for that. Enter the cliché – “It’s better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for the manure pile and get bull’s eye.”
I choose to see the world as something that I can personally conquer. Putting a limit on myself seems counter-productive. In a world where we’ve been to the moon, where we have vehicles that can break the speed of sound, where a cell phone in Japan can reach another one in the States, there resides little room in my mind for doubt to creep in. This is a reality of possibilities, and I choose to take full advantage.
- Karratti
optimism
I know that I’ve heard myself say this before, but there are times when I have difficulty having faith in even maxims that I have the most faith in. Your attitude is really your own responsibility, and it’s your choice. But there are numerous times when I’ve felt like I just don’t have a choice. You know, those days when you just want to pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep, willing the world to go to a day when you actually feel like doing something.
It’s funny, because just a couple nights ago, I spent hours working with a good friend of mine, well into the early hours of the morning, working the kinks out of this new series. The more and more that we discuss and refine, the better it’s getting, and I think we’re finally starting to see the clear vision of what this story is going to be about, and what it’s going to accomplish. I was ready and raring to write the newest draft of the pilot, and I had the stories and shots so clear in my mind that I didn’t think anything was going to deter me.
And then, I woke up the next day to my alarm.
Worries started to plague me a little. Work concerns and problems seemed a little overwhelming. So instead of actually cracking on the script, I sought a chance to “decompress” by finally figuring out my PS3 online troubles and getting my first taste of Killzone 2 multiplayer. Instantly, it seemed, the entire night disappeared. I don’t exactly regret it, though as I’m sitting here writing this, I realize that I could have spent the time a little more, hell, a LOT more productively.
But today is a new day, and there’s a weekend on the horizon. I plan to take full advantage, and put some time into what I should have been doing. There’s no reason for me to feel depressed, and I choose to be optimistic. Even though I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of “bleh”, I guess I’ll just start doing something, anything, and I’ll let that feeling dry up on its own.
So, with the winds of change blowing into my back, time to go to work.
- BK
moving on to reality
Reality is so much tougher than the world of imagination. In reality, there’s real consequences for the things that you do. You can’t just do whatever you like, and expect the world to just hand you everything you want on a silver platter. Or even on a wooden plate. In fact, you’d be lucky if, when you asked nicely, they actually were to give you a nice paper bag. Instead, reality is a tough, uncompromising world where you must struggle for what you get, and it can be taken away from you in an instant, and the bad guys that you face aren’t as easily taken down like in the movies.
For the past eight years, I’ve written in an online forum with a number of excellent writers who I’ve seen some amazing things from. They’ve written characters with heart, plots with intrigue and power, and situations that, no matter how fantastic they were, had a core of truth to them so bright that they refused to be overshadowed by all the mixes of personalities that we threw at them. They became friends of mine, and through their written word, we were able to see portions of each others’ personas that otherwise might never had seen the light of day.
But now, after all this, it appears that reality is pulling us away. This world that we have created, unfortunately, is still just fiction. It’s an illusion. In the end, it is just a body of work representing countless hours and thousands upon thousands of words, composing a mystical symphony that echoes through the halls of the soul with an undeniable power.
As such, it’s understandable why I’m having a hard time moving on. After placing my heart and soul, my thoughts and feelings into something like this, it’s not an easy task to simply move on and walk away from it all. I’m having a hard time leaving it be, consistently looking over my shoulder, hoping that someone will stop me and pull me back. But instead, all I seem to hear is deafening silence.
But that time does not have to be lost. I have learned lessons all throughout the years, and it would be a waste to let them all go. Instead, I will take what I have learned and apply it to my new ambitions. I can continue to write, and continue to create. That’s why I started working in film in the first place. So, it’s time to move on to reality. But now that the world that I’m creating is going to be visited by more than just a few of us writers, reality better be ready.
Because I’m coming, baby.
- Karratti
busy work
I really like to be excited about working. When I have some passion behind a project, it helps me to focus, my thoughts seem to all fall in line effortlessly, and creativity starts flowing like the Nile. Good, worthwhile, hard work is such a powerful high that it makes most other things pale in comparison, at least to me. Even when I’m competing, I love to have work involved. Perhaps that’s why I enjoy sports like football and hockey, where you really have a chance to throw your weight around, but you still have to think.
There are times, though, when work doesn’t feel that way. Busy work is one of those things. When I feel I have the talents to do something great, were I given the chance, it’s a little discouraging when people don’t feel like giving me that chance. Instead of offering me an assignment where I can flex my creative muscles, I’m handed a series of five-pound hand-weights one by one. Is it any wonder that there’s no increase in growth or skill?
I guess I’ve just determined that it’s better for me just to do the meaningless with quality and quickness, so that I can make time for my own projects, which seem to require more than what some newbie pencil jockey could accomplish. If I want my work to shine, then it’s going to have to be my work, and I don’t have the time to wait for someone else to give me a chance at it.
- Karratti
relaxation and other whimsical dreams
I’m half Hawaiian, on my Dad’s side. Yeah, it might not show on my impressively dark skin tone, but a good number of other features remain. The impressively massive build, the serious, no-nonsense personality, and the surfing skills… All the things that I don’t got. But there are some basic Polynesian traits that I think I’m stuck with no matter what. I like to have a good time. I like to laugh – a lot. I really like food. And I like taking some time to relax, especially when I don’t have anything to worry about.
And so, with that end goal in mind, I chose to pursue a career in filmmaking.
Now, for those of you not “in-the-know” when it comes to this kind of career, let me just explain that film, depending on how involved you are, can be one of the most time-consuming, energy-consuming, mind-consuming, and soul-consuming industries on the planet. If you don’t eat, sleep, breathe and sweat film, then this isn’t your industry, and people are going to know it really quick.
The past couple of weeks have been pretty busy for me, with holding auditions, a 48-Hour film festival, a sports team commercial, prepping for a commercial next week, and constantly thinking about this new series that I’m hoping is going to be a smash hit. When I finally get a few moments to sit and think, I often find myself wondering about what happened to make things so busy for me.
I often sit back and wish for my lazy days where I could leave on a trip at a moment’s notice to anywhere, or have days where nothing would happen. I’m sure that time will come again, but right now my life is a little hectic. I’m looking for some time to crash, and I’m afraid it’s going to be into a wall.
But, I won’t worry. I’ll keep getting up every day, and I’ll keep pushing myself harder. You know, until I have a heart-attack and die.
But if I die with a smile on my face, is that still a happy ending?
- Karratti
