learning to join the dance
There was a time in my life when I loved to dance. I actually enjoyed moving to the rhythm, going crazy, and not caring what anyone else thought. For me, it was one of the strangest phenomenon – The ability to act like a complete and utter nutcase, jumping, jiving, leaping and writhing to the music, regardless of skill or finesse. And to top it off, it was perfectly acceptable. It was all about having a good time, and I went to dances often, and often I would show myself to be quite the “dancing fool.”
That seemed to change a few years ago.
I like to think that I’ve started to “grow up”, but if I’m truly honest with myself, I know that that’s not the case. Instead, I believe that it has something to do with self-imposed shyness and fear in the wake of troubling times. I feel like, in the time that it’s taken me to get over certain relationship troubles in my past, I’ve shunned such activities, putting them to the side for fear of conjuring up old memories.
But even as I type that out, I can see the illogical stupidity of it. Why should I allow some old thoughts stop me from doing something that I used to enjoy? Why should someone else have the control over who I am, and what I do?
It’s a mental battle, one that I have with myself every time I see the opportunity to dance. It happened to me just the other night. Friends and others were up dancing around to some crazy music video, and there I was, just standing to the side. I couldn’t compel myself to get out on the dance floor, even though just about every other person in the room was out there.
I’ve got to make the effort, but I think I still need to gain the motivation. It’s not about doing it right, I guess, it’s just about doing it at all. I can’t just wait for the music to come to me, but instead, I need to forget the fact that I don’t know all the steps.
I just need to join the dance.
- K
Searching For My Equal
Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that.
Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got plenty.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O’Conner…
Sean: Well that’s great. They’re all dead.
Will: Not to me, they’re not.
Sean: You can’t have a lot of dialogue with them.
Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.
- Good Will Hunting, 1997
Something that I’ve been thinking about lately, especially considering the recent passing of Valentine’s Day, is relationships. More specifically, marriage and relationships, and the difficulty of the whole process. I mean, now we’ve got online dating services, phone chat lines, matchmaking sites… It’s not like singles aren’t throwing out their lines, but its hard to really catch the one that you’re looking for.
In all honesty, dating really is a lot like fishing, when you think about it. Most of your catches really are “under the water”, and you can’t ever see any of them up close until you finally reel them in. Then, you see if it’s what you’re looking for, and if it’s not, then you throw it back into the water. But unlike fishing, you tend to get a whole lot more precise about the qualities that you’re looking for when you’re dating.
For those of us who aren’t planning on being eternal bachelors, I’m talking about more than just physical appearance. We’re looking for things like attitudes, likes and dislikes, and certain personalities. It’s not like we’ve got a complete mental checklist, but there’s certain items that we really want met if we’re going to go forward with an actual relationship.
What I’m having trouble with, though, is finding an equal.
Now, there’s a few out there saying, “Kyle, what in the world are you talking about?” Well, I was just getting to that.
In my life, I’ve always been on the hunt for a challenge, especially in things that I excel at. When I was really into Tekken 4 (yeah, back into the whole gaming thing.. I was a nerd, I know…), I would get bored playing against the computer opponents, and even most of the people in the arcades. I would really only get excited when I had to really try. The same has been true for a lot of school assignments throughout the years, and even a good number of work projects. When there’s something that I’m really used to, or very familiar with, I get bored unless I’m constantly being pushed to be better.
One thing that I’ve had a good amount of experience with is my own personal life. I would daresay that I’ve had more experience with my own self than anyone else in existence. Because of that, I really don’t like to listen to myself. I’ll talk to myself sometimes, sure, but rarely do I listen when I talk back. I mean, honestly, I already know what I’m going to say.
Because of that, I like to relate to other people. Not just regular joes, mind you, but people who offer me a real challenge. People who know more than me, but still are willing to listen to what I have to say. People who are able to stump me sometimes. People who are able to beat me at my own games, both literally and figuratively.
My term of “equal” isn’t condescending, nor is it meant to be. It’s just an exact term of what I’m looking for. In my life, the woman that I plan on building a life with is going to have to be my equal, my soul mate, and that’s just really hard to find.
And what does that entail? Your soul mate is that person who is able to look you in the eye, and tell you exactly what they think of you, and you know that they not only are being completely honest, but that they’re right as well. She’s the person who challenges you to become better, who forces you to check your perceptions. She’s the person who can relate on your level. She doesn’t necessarily like what you like. She understands where you’re coming from, and if she disagrees, she’s got a sound argument to back it up. Her priorities are in the right place.
I’m not so pious to think that I’m better than everyone else, but I do consider myself worthwhile. I have my faults, as does anyone, and I don’t expect a soul mate to be perfect, nor do I expect her to be absolutely identical. But when I have a difficulty that I can’t handle on my own, she should be the first person who I turn to. As of yet, I haven’t really found that person.
Maybe I’m just asking for too much. It could be that I’m just trying to find a person who doesn’t exist.
But I might as well keep looking.
- Kyle
Checking Out Her Shoes
I have an odd habit when I see an attractive woman just walking down the street. Most guys check out the body, the hair, the eyes, the teeth, the face… For me, the second glance is always a look at her shoes.
Now, I know that’s weird, but let me explain. Shoes, to me, tell a lot about the person who’s wearing them. Guys aren’t usually as picky about clothes, mostly because it’s not often a big deal in most situations. Obviously, power suits for the office, and a jumper for the mechanic shop, but in the “casual” category, clothes aren’t that big of a deal. I mean, most everyone wears jeans and a t-shirt, right?
But its the shoe choice that really makes me think, especially for girls, who more often than not have at least ten pairs of shoes. (At least from the girls’ closets that I’ve seen. Shoes are a big deal.) Each sends a different signal, including the color choices and patterns. Here’s my little mental guide:
Sandals - Relaxed, easy-going. These girls tend to not be as concerned with appearance, focusing more on comfort. They may worry that they “look cute”, but they don’t go too overboard. They’re generally pretty easy to talk to, and easy to laugh. They also don’t tend to “over-analyze” things too often. However, they can be a little flaky.
High Heels – This one really just depends on the size of the heel. A purposely high heel is all about getting noticed, and you’ll see “pretty girls” wearing them. This holds true especially for those really tall leather boot heels, which are worn specifically to get attention to those legs. High-heeled girls seem to usually be pretty high-maintenence. They’re worried about how they look, whether their make-up is out of place, and often have to fix their lip gloss or lipstick. You’ll find a good amount of make-up in their purse.
Low Heels – Girls in low heels usually are only wearing them because they are wearing a skirt. It’s either a dress occasion or a business meeting, and so low heels are a practical, but still buisiness-oriented choice. These girls often are secretaries, or other such personnel. They’re usually pretty down-to-earth, and are easy to talk to. They don’t often wear clothes to draw attention to themselves, but think a little more practically.
Tennis Shoes – This one’s pretty simple. Girls in tennis shoes are generally pretty cool. They’re not looking to really impress anyone, they’re just living their lives the way they want to. They generally know what they want, and aren’t afraid to go after it. These kinds of girls are generally pretty tomboyish, and don’t care much about whether their nails are painted, chipped, or broken. I mean, usually these ones will just cut them off. These ones are usually the “one of the boys” kind of girls.
Boots – Boots without heels are definitely a statement. They’re usually only worn by girls who are kind of “outside the norm.” Punk-rockers, fans of the gothic movement, or possibly snowboarders, but usually that’s about it. Obviously, cold weather negates that, because a lot of people start wearing boots then, but for the most part, boots are the exact opposite of heels. They want everyone to know that they’re not “girly-girls.”
Now, with these in mind, there’s also the two color choices: girly, or conservative. Girly colors such as neon pinks, teals, or oranges generally are meant to show off a girlish side. This goes for the sparkles of any kind. These are generally “High Heeled” tendencies.
Conservative colors, such as white, black, or brown, fall between the “Low Heels” and “Tennis Shoes” categories. These are girls that are more conservative.
Obviously, this isn’t a complete chart, and there are some girls who will absolutely disagree with me. Guys too, I’m sure. But these are just my personal observations. Even though I try to judge by personality as opposed to looks or clothes, first impressions are hard to ignore. I just read it as I see it.
The DTR
This meeting, it seems to me, has probably got to be the worst possible idea ever to be invented, but one that just about ever person wants to get into at one point or another. It’s called “Determine The Relationship” or “The DTR.” I swear, I’ve never heard of it helping anyone, and yet almost everyone, (myself included), is guilty of asking these kinds of questions.
It usually goes something like this:
After a couple has been dating for a while, be it a couple months, or sometimes even just a few weeks, one of the two will ask the question: “So, what do you think of us?”
“Hmm?” Will come the reply.
“Where do you see us headed?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Well, I just was wondering how you felt about us.”
“I think it’s good.”
“Just good?”
“Umm, it’s great?”
“Haven’t you thought about it?”
At this point, the conversation turns into an emotional bloodbath, as both sides struggle to reconsile with one another. One of the two generally wants to move things a little further, while the other is still a little hesitant. Because neither wants to really move from their opinion, it never ends well, and there isn’t any clarification at all, just more doubts sown into the hearts of both members of the relationship. “Does he like me?” “Does she want me to take this further?” “Am I ready for that kind of commitment?”
I’m of the school of thought that says that when it’s time, you’ll know. I believe that it’s just going to work. Of course, you should be actively searching if you expect any results, but you shouldn’t be in the middle of a directed campaign in order to find someone. I feel that a friendship is the biggest reason for any relationship. Not having a boyfriend or girlfriend, not sex, not showing off to others that you have a relationship. If you start off every relationship with a friendship as the goal, and then see how it goes from there, then you’ll be better off.
I know a number of people who seem to judge every member of the opposite sex as a potential marital companion. They have a very pointed goal of getting right in and getting married as soon as possible. I think that’s the wrong mindset. I feel that you should just take your time, have fun, and see where life takes you. Life’s too stressful as it is.
I’d compare the DTR with pulling up the flowers to see how the roots are doing. It hurts the flower and only impedes its growth. Just relax, for goodness sakes! Otherwise, you’re just inviting more heartache into your life than you want.
- Kyle
Pre-Marriage Wedding Reception
Recently, I went to the wedding of a good friend of mine, but was a little confused that we were supposed to meet at someone’s house the night before for the reception. Now, I’ve always expected the reception to be after the ceremony, so that we can pretty much “party all night” and no one really minds. The bride and groom leave before the rest of us, of course, but that’s just always been the way it goes.
This reception, however, took place before the wedding the next morning, and so around 11:00 or so, everyone began to leave out of propriety, and because they didn’t want to wake up late for the wedding. It was just really weird.
Is it wrong? Not really. I mean, it’s their wedding, they can do pretty much whatever they want, can’t they? But it seems like a pretty strange thing. After all, it’s just inviting trouble, I think. Everyone knows that the reception is the bride’s party, while the groom’s starts during the honeymoon. When you have the reception before, and everyone has to clean up the night before so everyone can get to the wedding…
Maybe this one isn’t making a ton of sense, but the whole subject doesn’t make sense to me. Oh well, that’s just the way things go sometimes, I guess. I’m gonna go watch a movie to bring some sanity back into my life. Maybe something like Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind. That seems a lot less mind-bending, right?
- Kyle
Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness
I think that, at any one time or another, each of us has been in love. The feelings of romance, charm, giddiness, and excitement seem to just burst forth, washing over you like an overpowering tide of emotion and elation. You feel powerful, strong, and yet yours is a state of constant unconscious thought, as you dream about, think about, and can almost always just reach out and touch the one with whom you’re sharing that powerful bond.
Whether you want to admit it or not, you know that you’ve felt this way before, some for perhaps just a fleeting moment, and for others, an entire lifetime. Regardless of your current “status” – be you single, engaged, dating, newlywed, or married for some time now, deep down, all of us crave those feelings that love generates. There is nothing like it, at least that I know of.
But on the other hand, there is nothing even remotely more heart-wrenching. Nothing that will twist your gut, flirt with your emotions, or wrestle for your attention more than a deep abiding love. There are times when your heart feels like it’s in a vice, wrapped in chains, or being pulled from your chest even as you feel it still beating in your lover’s hands.
I’ve had a lot of time to think, and still, I can’t really come up with any good definition for it all. I mean, I know I’m not the first, but something of this magnitude, that holds this kind of power and influence, and yet remains infinitely uncontrollable and wild, is absolutely facinating to me. Especially when that something seems to have caused me such a wide range of emotions in my life, considering its influence on my past year.
Last Fall, I fell in love. For those of you who know me, you might realize what a strange and unwieldly concept that is. But for those of you that don’t, you might not appreciate the magnitude of such a statement. The truth is, I had never dated seriously in high school, and I didn’t really have any high aspirations to get involved with anyone after I graduated, either. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested, but man, I was shy beyond belief. I would see couples walking down the halls in college, or even just down the street, and I would say to myself, “Heh, it’ll never happen to me.”
I’ve always been the rogue, the lone wolf, the solo. I do what I need to do, and I take care of myself, and I didn’t need any of that kind of nonsense in my life, mucking up the plans for who I was going to be. I had goals, dreams, and none of them involved a woman in my life.
But then I met her. For sake of online propriety, I’ll call her “Amy.” She was blond, beautiful, and had the most interesting quirks about her. Plus, as I learned later, she was recently single, having just broken it off with her boyfriend. Being that I had just transferred to a new school, I was naturally a little shy, and she happened to sit next to me in my math class. The first thing I noticed, in all honesty, was her bright red tennis shoes. That may not seem very dramatic, or romantic, but I’m just being honest. After being bombarded daily by the styles and fashions of girls who would take hours to dress up every day, it was a welcome relief to meet someone who was just happy to be herself.
We got to talking, and got along great. About a month later, after we’d gotten to know each other better, including a few homework study sessions and such, I worked up the guts to ask her out. She did the nicest thing, and said yes.
Such was the beginning of a strong friendship, and we started to spend a lot of time together. I found that I was having some pretty strong feelings for her, and I could tell the feeling was mutual. Ah, who am I kidding? I was hers. I was going through emotions that I’d never really felt before. I would dream about her, smile when I thought about her. We’d laugh together, and it really didn’t matter what we would end up doing – we always enjoyed one another’s company.
Fall turned to winter, and at Christmas break, I went home for the holidays. She had insisted that she wanted to visit her family over Christmas, but had also insisted that I not feel bad, and to go visit mine. It was a very interesting week and a half. We emailed back and forth, and kept in touch, and I remember getting her a little tiger necklace for Christmas, (an inside joke between us), leaving it on her bed before I left for the long drive to my hometown.
I was pretty excited to come back and see her again, but I could tell that something was different. She was still herself, but a little of that sparkle that had garnished the winter months seemed to be missing from her eye. I talked with her about it, and she told me that she’d been thinking about it, and she just wasn’t sure if she was ready to get into another relationship just yet, especially still fresh from her break-up with her old boyfriend. I was understanding, and told her that we’d just take it slow and see where it goes, but she just seemed, for some reason or another, not quite the same. About two weeks later, I discovered why.
We both happened to work together in a small office on the south side of town, both as different fuctions of the same data-entry/graphic design/shipping management team. It was near the end of the day, and suddenly an unwelcome, yet familiar face appeared at the door.
Now, I’d seen her boyfriend before, because he’d come along when I’d invited Amy to come with a group of my classmates to a play that we’d been assigned to watch. This was early in the fall, before I’d really even talked to her much, and so I didn’t really think much of it at the time.
But now, as I opened the door to find him standing there, a knot tightened in my stomach.
“Is Amy here?” He asked. I couldn’t very well lie to him, and he didn’t know me from Adam.
“Yeah, come on in,” I found myself saying out of politeness.
The first thing that he did was walk right up to her, and started playing the “too friendly” card. I couldn’t really do anything, especially as she didn’t seem to mind. Wild thoughts went through my mind, and jealously stirred up a whirlwind inside my chest. My blood boiled, and I knew I had to get out of there, or I’d break the guy’s nose. I quickly shut down my computer, grabbed my gear, and headed for the door.
As I tossed my pack into the car, I watched as the two of them got into his car, and left. I remember distinctly driving directly to the gym, my stereo blasting the most angry music I had, and then spending the next two hours pounding the hell out of a heavy bag until I felt my knuckles hurting almost as much as my heart did.
The next day, Amy pulled me aside, and confessed that she had “given it a lot of thought”, and that she was going to give her boyfriend another chance. She said that it was a hard decision, I really just stopped listening at about that point, too busy picking up the broken pieces of my heart from the floor.
They married in the spring, and during all that time, Amy and I, while still friends, seperated ourselves more and more from one another. We had another class together, that we’d both signed up for together for the semester, but I found myself more and more wishing that I would just drop the class. I spent a lot of time at the gym, trying to work out my frustrations as I did my best to put her out my mind. I was in another quick relationship at the beginning of summer, but that didn’t really pan out, mostly because I kept on thinking about Amy, considering it was still pretty fresh in my mind.
We honestly didn’t talk much after that, until this fall, where we happened to again be in another class together, purely by coincidence, and now we’ve kind of gotten over it all. We talk a lot more now, and she’s confided in me that she’s thought a lot about what happened, and wonders sometimes what would have been had her decision been made the other way. I think that was what finally allowed me to heal, and sew up the last few stitches to make my heart whole yet again. I’d been struggling through heartache for so long, that I felt alone, and as such, I was quite bitter about the whole thing.
But now, I feel alright, and I’ve started to branch out again. I’ve even found another prospect that’s got my heart beating all over again.
I think that we’re supposed to go through things like this in our lives. Even though it’s hard, and you never completely forget the joys or pains of past relationships, you’re a better person having gone through it. You feel more, you’re alive, and you can use those experiences to strengthen not only yourself, but also the person that you finally feel is the one you want to spend the rest of existence with.
But honestly, how are you supposed to enjoy the good times if you curl up and give up when the hard times pound on you? You’ve got to just pick yourself up, press on, and try your best to put a smile back on your face. Bitterness doesn’t help you at all, and wishing that you had “done it differently” won’t change what has already occured. All you have left to do is just to continue doing your best, and put the past behind you. Learn from it, of course, and glean the lessons that you can from it, but don’t make it your central focus. Otherwise you let life win, and we can’t have that.
Like I’ve said, I’m no expert on the subject, but I’ve had my shares of ups and downs. Even after a relationship is over, there’s no need to keep feeling miserable for the rest of your life. We’ve all gone through it, and you don’t need to worry that you’re all on your own. Everyone’s got a story etched on their heart.
- Kyle
